Frustrating
Life of late has been a bit frustrating - frustrating on more than one front. I feel like I’ve been pouring my heart into things - all things - and not seeing much come back my way.
I’ve been working on something at work (which I obviously can’t tell you about - I kinda feel like a secret agent, sometimes, who can’t even admit who signs his checks). And not just working, but slaving away, neglecting something else I’d rather be working on (again, I don’t work there…), something that has - up to this point - been mostly my creation (that’s not to say I don’t have an excellent team backing me up and correcting my poor architecture decisions, because I do (or do I? I’m a secret agent, remember)). But up until now, the code was basically written by me (the logs show I made each checkin of revisions of the form 111, 222, 333, and so on, up to revision 888). I’m now seeing the upper levels of this new creation take shape without my interactive guidance (really, I should just not even attempt to blog about work. People read this, people get offended, life gets more frustrating… Anyway!).
I’ve also been pouring my energy into rehearsing for an upcoming gig in San Francisco. This makes me so nervous. I feel pretty damn susceptible to the energy of others - I have a bad habit of taking that energy and internalizing it, almost like I’m expecting others to tell me I’m doing a good job, when really I should just tell them to fuck off if they don’t like it.
And there’s more, but I have to run for now… other commitments call…
