heavy
it hit me hard last night: everyone in my family (with a few exceptions) is divorced. Even my sister.
All at once, I came to realize that, because i’ve only seen it work out a few times, I have no idea what marriage is supposed to mean. Shit, even a good chunk of my friends’ parents are divorced.
Everyone (probably) has their own idea of what it “Should” be, and I thought I did, but it needs serious questioning to be considered solid. Right now, my definition of marriage is very hand-wavy, voodoo and black magic. I really want to solidify my expectations, thoughts, and desires about it before heading that way.
I have all these ideas of what it was with my parents, but they are wrong (i think?). Or are they? I don’t even know… They didn’t work out, and I have a slight suspicion they stayed together for the kids. But why? Why did they get married in the first place?
My Dad says he gave up some of his dreams to marry my Mom. This eventually turned into resentment, I fear, and I don’t want that to happen to me.
My Dad tells me to find someone with similar interests. Someone you can do anything with and still have fun and be happy. Check.
My Mom tells me to find someone who treats me right, with respect and love, and to do the same back. Check.
Jess tells me it’s all about love. Check.
Bryan says complete selfless devotion. and love. Check.
I’ve always thought of relationships as a suspension bridge, with me building one side, and my partner building the other, and we meet in the middle. Each day, we build this bridge. Some days, my side of the bridge might not quite make it to the middle, and my partner will build her side out a bit more to come meet me. And I’d do the same on the days that her side doesn’t make it to the middle. And if not, the bridge fails.
I’ve heard relationships described as 60% give 40% take, and that applies to both partners at all times…
It’s about being supportive, compassionate, and understanding.
Sure, but I do that in every relationship. What exactly does marriage add? Does it mean wanting to live together, grow together, and learn each other to a level never before imagined? Does it necessarily involve kids?
Some things that I do know: I thoroughly enjoy and love every last second I spend with her. There’s nothing I would change about her (I really mean this). For the first time in my life, I’ve found someone who feels the same about me.
And, as recursive as this sounds, I’m afraid my fear has fucked things up, yet again.
KK said last night that pretty much everyone butts up against their insecurities at some point. And while most people are willing to say fuckitall, push back from the table, and walk away, it takes a real man to face those insecurities, admit to them, and want to work through them…
on December 10th, 2007 at 7:54 am
I just happened upon this blog and truly appreciated the heart of it. I know that i as a child of divorced parents had to break a subtle pattern in my emotional upbringing, that often had me running in hard times with my husband of now 30 yrs. And in my heart i was determined to do this so that hopefully, my children would have a stronger link and vibration supporting there dreams and visions of true and lasting love. Who knows, only an inspiration an offering to them, what else can i give.
One other thought. I guess i am the most open minded i have ever been , and i still really hold marriage as an incredible act of sacred union which decidedly brings into manifestation a powerful spinning of cosmic love prana , universal magic and infinite possibilities two hearts into one , Alchemy.