the daily dub

I got a haircut today, from Jenn at Ahshe, and damn do I look “teh secksi.”

Also, Jenn gives the most f-ing amazing scalp massage as standard fare before a haircut. Made my day. At $30 for a scalp massage, shampoo, cut, and style, it’s not bad at all. I also think I overheard her say “five off” to the cashier before she rang me up. Could have been something else, but she may have just given me a discount. Fuck yea, Jenn.

I’ll post some pictures once I get something natural looking. The light in my room sucks balls, so, perhaps I’ll make Omar take a shot of me at Spike’s tonight.

I recorded another cut tonight, making use of all the pedals and effects I own. I still got it!

And no, you don’t get to hear it. I learned from my mistake last time, and you’ll just have to wait.

Cheers!

I had a very tough conversation with Linz last night. It seems, now that I’m no longer “a given,” that she is really missing everything about me. Hearing her describe all my little idiosyncrasies made me cry.

I’ve never cried like that in my life. She’s the most precious woman in the world, to me, and she never knew that. She never knew how amazing she is.

It seems like she had been looking (and so had I) recently. We both lost sight of what mattered. I became the given, not the prize, and that hurt me incredibly. She would flirt with other guys at every chance — Noah’s wedding, Burning Man, etc — leaving me without the benefit of a single drop of flirtation (not to mention affection). Then, she showed me that it was possible for someone to make her feel understood without the use of words. That it was another guy that could make her feel that way sealed it for me — what was the point of me staying around anymore? I couldn’t give her what she needed, she couldn’t give me what I needed, and we were both essentially reduced to comfort food. We enjoyed being together because it was safe, not because either of us inexplicably wanted/needed the other. All our passion died in an instant, and reviving it seemed impossible.

I tried so hard, so fucking hard, but I can’t love someone who won’t love herself. I had such an amazing idea of how things would be — this is not it at all…

Looking back over 4 years, at the very least, I can say it was an awesome journey. Getting to know you was great, and I always felt more understood by you than anyone else I’ve ever known, or have met since. We’ve had a lot of fun together, and I’ve always enjoyed your friendship.

It’s quite odd, for me, in all this; I feel a profound sense of calm. You’d think I’d be out of my head, but so far so good. I’m happy for Linz and John, not sure what will become of those two, but, at the very least, I know our time was up. Just know I still consider you both friends; no hate harbored here.

My weekends will probably be somewhat more boring, with no one to visit, and no excuse to go work at Apple on the weekends anymore — at least until November 1st, when I can start moving into my own appartment, ironically located in the same appartment complex as Linz. “You’re still welcome to use my barbeque,” she tells me.

On a totally different note, this was probably the most mature breakup I’ve ever been through, and can leave this relationship without a single regret; I know I couldn’t possibly have done anything different, and don’t really think about it that way. Just a profound calm. Perhaps my angel has found her way back to my side, and is staying with me for awhile — how nice. Good to see you again.

I just walked away from a 4 year relationship. Turns out she found someone who understands her better. Even if she’s not in love with him, she definitely forgot about me.

I’m probably off by myself somewhere, drinking a beer and contemplating.

The hardest part was that last “goodbye.”